The Trans Guide to Mental Health and Well-Being by Katy Lees

Author:Katy Lees
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Jessica Kingsley Publishers
Published: 2022-04-21T00:00:00+00:00

Self-Sabotage as Self-Harm

Even good changes can be really scary to face, which can lead to purposeful or accidental self-sabotage (Boyes 2018). This is a kind of emotional self-harm that sabotages your chances of happiness, often because of fear and low self-esteem. It might look like breaking up with a partner because they make you ‘too happy’, turning down your dream job because you’re too frightened to take it, or procrastinating on applying for something you really want because you’re worried you’ll fill out the application wrong. For trans people, this might look like procrastinating on ordering a blood test for your HRT even though you really want to keep taking it, lashing out at family members who affirm your identity in case things change in the future, or never trying on your new gender-affirming clothes because you ‘just know’ that you’ll hate how you look in them. Self-sabotage can happen for a number of different reasons, but it tends to happen when you’re facing life changes that worry or frighten you to the point of you feeling overwhelmed. This may be most apparent: when you’re too frightened to act on something even though you know it will have a positive impact on your life; when good things start to happen and you feel like you don’t deserve them; when you’re worried that a change is ‘too good to be true’ or that you will get hurt down the line, despite evidence to the contrary; or when positive change happens and you think you may not be able to handle it. You might find yourself procrastinating, putting yourself down, or catastrophizing (imagining the worst possible outcome of a situation).

Self-sabotage is a defence mechanism and coping mechanism that may have kept you safe from disappointment in the past but will ultimately only keep you from growing (Bishop 2017). It’s likely that this is happening because you have experienced trauma around growth and happiness in the past – and, if the past has been painful, it makes sense that this is what you have come to expect from the future. What, however, if the past does not repeat itself, and the future is actually amazing? What if you knock this out of the park, people are kind to you, and you get your happy ending? Or – what if it doesn’t go as smoothly as you’d hoped, but that’s still okay because you’re a different, more capable person now, with lots of new resources for handling distress? It’s okay to be afraid of important things, such as elements of your transition, but it’s important to know how to move through this fear to the other side without hurting yourself in the process.

If you suspect that you might be sabotaging something potentially great in your life, set aside some time to look at the issue and be compassionately curious about it. What do you think you’re currently sabotaging, and why? What emotions do you feel when you think about it? Is it easy to

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